


Not Like I Expected It

by gelbes_gilatier



Series: Protect and Survive [12]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Administrative Procedures, E-mail, F/M, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Mostly Dialogue, Rituals, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 07:00:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelbes_gilatier/pseuds/gelbes_gilatier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An in-depth look at how SOPs in Atlantis are created.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Like I Expected It

**Author's Note:**

> For **mackenziesmomma** , part of my _Protect and Survive_ series but I _think_ it can even stand alone. The format is not quite the usual one but it just felt to be the right one. Hope you like it :)

**Not Like I Expected It **

_“After all, well isn't this just a momentary thing?_  
 _It's not like I expected it,_  
 _Or any heavy thing.”_

_Something Happens, “Momentary Thing”_

„Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“No.”

“Then _why_ do you want to do something that’s going to land us in a holding cell or maybe shot dead from one of the environmental scientists?”

“Hey, if you’re so chicken, why did you agree to arrange this? Also, why am I even dating you?”

“I can’t believe this is happening _again_.”

“I can’t believe you still think I only date you for your boyish good looks and your aw, shucks, ma’am attitude.”

“Actually, I still can’t believe I am dating you _at all_.”

“That sounded more like an insult than anything else.”

“Jesus… _effing_ Christ…”

“You’re cute when you try to swear without swear words.”

“Kassandra…”

“Yes?”

“Are you going to burn the damn thing or not?”

“Oh, okay, of course. Ahem… Brother Laptop, you were the best companion I ever had…”

“ _Excuse_ me?”

“…and I will miss you sorely.”

“I can’t believe this is happening. It’s a _laptop_ , for Heaven’s sake. It’s just a _machine_.”

“Will you just shut up for a minute? I’m having a _moment_ here.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake…”

“Brother Laptop, please excuse this infidel next to me. He has no sense of propriety and no piety, either. Apparently, he never lost a laptop as great as you and if he would just stop _groaning_ for a moment, we could get this over with a lot faster.”

“I was _not_ …”

“Not that I want to get rid of you but we are a little behind schedule. Anyway…”

“Kassandra.”

“...I will miss you and I hope your successor is as faithful, trusty and hard-working as you. I’m sorry I didn’t see you had a screwed up mother drive earlier and I’m sorry that I had to gut you but I really did need that data. Thank you for your faithful service. Fare thee well.”

“Now could you _please_ just light the thing up and get done with it?”

“Yeah, yeah… wait a moment… ah, it’s working.”

“Wow. I don’t think I ever saw a laptop burn before.”

“Awesome, isn’t it? It was Captain Cadman’s idea to use…”

“I don’t think I even wanna know.”

“Spoilsport.”

“But you love me anyway.”

“Most of the time, anyway.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“It means that… oh, wait, I gotta… yeah, better. Let’s wave farewell to Brother Laptop for a moment and then.. you know.”

“Get the hell back in because it’s going to be raining down in sheets in a few minutes?”

“Yeah, that. Bye, bye, Brother Laptop!”

“Whatever.”

“Pfft.”

“Pfft, yourself.”

_From: mckay@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _To: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _CC: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov, moore@sgc.atlantis.gov_

_Re: Atlantis is full of idiots_

_John,_

_It has come to my attention that one of your junior officers and an IT technician burned a laptop off the South Pier and apparently did not clear it with my environmental scientists. So far, no one seems to have taken notice of it but as soon as they will, I’ll just direct them to you, Lorne and Moore so you can deal with a bunch of overzealous tree huggers that want to skewer those idiots._

_Rodney_

_From: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _To: mckay@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _CC: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov, moore@sgc.atlantis.gov_

_Re: Don’t get your panties in a twist_

_Rodney,_

_The junior officer in question was LT Joe Simmons, the technician was Kassandra Wilson and they cleared the Viking funeral for Ms. Wilson’s laptop both with me, Lorne, your tree huggers (who object to the term and will probably want an audience with you in the next couple of days. Be prepared.) and everyone else they needed to clear it with. There was no contamination whatsoever because they burned the laptop in a container and reeled it back to the pier after it was done burning. We agreed because Ms. Wilson is the most persuasive person I ever met and honestly, no one wants to deal with Joe Simmons running around all sad puppy because his girlfriend made him sleep on the couch. Snap out of it and leave them alone._

_John_

_From: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _To: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _CC: moore@sgc.atlantis.gov_

_Re: Rodney will never stop hating us now_

_John,_

_Hinting to the environmental scientists that Rodney thinks of them as a bunch of hippies with no real scientific value was genius. I bow to your criminal brilliance. But please inform the entire Atlantis community next time anyone is going to take a stand against Dr. Mckay. They’ll appreciate it. Also, maybe we should consider making laptop Viking funerals an option for everyone. Laura says she knows a bunch of people who’d appreciate it. Let’s put that on the agenda for our next staff meeting with Mr. Woolsey._

_Evan_

_From: woolsey@sgc.atlantis.gov_  
 _To: stafflist@sgc.atlantis.gov_

_Re: PSA re: laptop Viking funerals_

_Dear Staff,_

_As of today, Viking funerals for laptops and possibly other electronic equipment is officially allowed. If you wish to give your deceased equipment a decent farewell, you are asked to contact Dr. Eskol at Environmental Science for further details, suitable containers and schedules and CPT Laura Cadman for workable incentives. Please be advised that illegal Viking funerals for any kind of equipment are still illegal and will be prosecuted as such._

_Richard Woolsey_

“Looks like we started a trend.”

“That _is_ kinda scary.”

“Yeah. But hey, _we started a trend_.”

“Kassandra?”

“Yes?”

“That’s why I’m dating you. You are the most ingenious, intelligent, inventive…”

“Shut up, and kiss me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

  



End file.
